The Crystal Hunter Xasha Darkmir
by Witcher Aether
Summary: Xasha Darkhair, famed sorceress from the Dragon School, a time-travelling enchantress. A friend for you. She Knows How to Fry a Crystal Lizard Egg! And how to keep a promise. Poems about bears and sword-wielding tips, tales of crab killing and unicorns and fun. Laser swords. How to marriage your weapons. Cookie pie recipes, etc. Yum!
1. Prologue

Hi! :D

My name is Xasha Dharkmir. Perhaps you've heard of Darkhair Xasha, keeper of the Zweihänder Blade of Ashandra, a sorcerer/greatsword-weilding adventurer who disappeared on her quest for the crystal enchantment. Right now you're probably thinking, "She doesn't even have a greatsword yet, she has a neat dagger but what's that gonna do?" I'll tell you what, this little pokey stick of trash is a useless piece. I couldn't even squish a spider with it. Even a potato bug would be hard to squish, I wish I had a larger weapon for bugs, I don't like bugs because they exist and also they're gross and I hate them. They have small brains and lack empathy, etc.

I'm a stranger to Lothric. I don't even belong in this era of time. A student of the ancient Dragon School of Vinheim, I left before I earned my sorceress degree because they don't let you swing giant swords there. Magicians don't like giant swords but I do, so this created a rift that could never be healed. I left in search of Master Logan, my old teacher, a silly man who was proud of his large hat, which was the biggest hat in all the land. But I think he was starting to go a little bonkers, for instance there were times he would lift the brim of his big black hat and stare at me with his fierce wizard's stare and start screaming nonsense and things like "DRAGONS MY DEAR, THAT IS THE KEY, THE KEY IS DRAGONS, DRAGONS DRAGONS DRAGOBS, I MUST FIND THE PALE DRAGON, THE PRIZED DRAGON DUKE OF OLD." For one thing I can't imagine why a dragonlord would ever be the duke of anywhere, and I also wondered, why was he always going on about dragons? Did he want to turn a dragon into a pet, do you think? I can understand wanting to do that but dragons, and for that matter unicorns are too noble and majestic to ever be tamed. To be honest I secretly wish I had my own baby dragon to care for, that would be a good thing I would be nice to it and give it meat treats if it was hungry, and sing it songs about sword fights, of which I know many.

Master Logan left Vinheim years ago. My teachers claim he left for the land of ancient lords, in search of more advanced sorceries. They say he possessed a unique power, one which could transform a sword's steel into blue, unbreakable crystal. . .SPELL. I simply must have it!

I was close to finding my old master, I think. I came upon a lonely forest filled with crystal golems, and felt that I was on the right track. But a massive Hydra emerged out of a cliffside lake, with its plethora of heads! I can defeat this creature quite casually, I remember thinking, but I was careless as enchantresses sometimes are, and after a mighty swing the blade of my greatsword became wedged inside one of the beast's reptilian heads, and I couldn't pull it out. I was dragged deep into the murky waters, and it squeezed me. And instead of dying - or perhaps it was after I died - I awoke in a different land and in a much different time, in the fragmented realm of Lothric. And this is where my true story begins.

This is a strange and terrible region, a landscape of graves and coffins in a future unknown to me. Everything here tries to kill me all the time, and every living thing appears to be insane. To make matters worse, I lost my favored sword, the Zweihänder Blade of Ashandra, and I seem to have forgotten most of my spells, all but for some very basic soul arrows. That's alright. I found a big blue gerbil here, I think it was some kind of a spiky gerbil. I don't want to ever see one again in my life but if I do, I'll kill it. That's a promise.  
~Xasha

(This series runs concurrent with a blind playthrough  
which can be viewed by accessing the link on my profile page).


	2. Firelink Shrine

**Chapter 2  
Firelink Shrine**

-1-  
ludex Gundyr

I guess this is a powerful man but what the heck is he. You roll around, he SNAKESLAMS you, okay roll roll sword spin roll roll SPIN AROUND ... Blue magic blue magic ... roll roll sword spin with little crappy pokey stick, poke poke poke, heal with estus juicebox, snake about-faces and then snake STRIKES WITH WILD FORCE :( He appears to be wielding a strange type of halberd. This reminds me of my father. Now I'm sad :(

I took the sword that was stuck inside the stony snakeman, it looks pretty special. But it doesn't feel so strong, so I'll use it later. There's a cool tower on the horizon. I'm gonna go check it out after a bit. These bonfires make me feel happy, and a snooze is in order :D

-2-  
Outside Firelink Shrine

I found a new home, a shrine for fire. Outside there are many trails to run and lots of treasure, lots of pretty stones, some birds. Everything is gray and cheerful. I like the firekeeper lady because she reminds me of my mother, who was taken by death.

There's a little white doggy out there too. Hi doggy! Woof! I pretended to talk to the dog in its rough language for about ten minutes. Then it flew off a cliff. Bye!

-3-  
Weird Guy on Steps

This weird guy on the steps with a katana sword … you can't hurt him. What is this. Run away from him and roll away.

I put that weird sword from before into the shrine's bonfire ... it opens a portal to other realms! The Fire Woman tells me I must travel to a distant city to slay the ancient Lords of Cinder. Are these crispy people or is fire a metaphore? For the wickedness in their hearts and a burning want of power, or maybe they are literally on fire and have fire attacks and flame swords. I'll crush them no matter what but it's good to know your enemy before you face them. That's Fighting 101! I'm laughing because you didn't know it.

-4-  
Space Dog

I made a poem about weird Spacedog:

Spacedog was a little pal  
Who flew into the air  
Rest forever, here in our hearts  
O'er the lands where lords converge

Thank you for the beautiful poem.

-Xasha


	3. The High Wall of Lothric

**Chapter 3  
The High Wall of Lothric**

\- 1 -  
Don't Look Down … eep! (lol)

This is Xasha. Today I met a terrible dragon with a fierce temper. I don't think this is a duke dragon, but who can say. What are Pale Drakes, anyhow? Are they from the nightmare of the moon?

Apparently I am immortal because I got slashed and didn't die forever.

I find myself missing my sorceries more and more. Like Big Blue Spikeball. And Floating Orb Circles. And _especially_ Shiny Sword. I don't like pirates very much. Killing monsters is okay, but only if you need to, for instance if you are defending yourself from their bites or if you need to eat their meat. I like to read books about romance and swordfighting, and kitten stories are nice too (I prefer stories about younger cats). I like to wear chainmail but dresses are fine, too. Just some facts about me.

\- 2 -  
No Estus!

There were a few fights with skeleton men and I had to avoid another giant snakebeast on a rooftop, not easy let me tell you. I started writing in my journal again after running out of my estus juicebox :( Running around with no health and no idea where to go, it always spells disaster. It's nice to have a longsword, though. I picked it clean off an undead runt. An idiot! If truth be told.

Who is the big man walking in circles, is his heart sad? Why won't he rest? I run away from him and I run away, and when I come back I'll be a little braver.

This city is terrible. Everything is dead here. Or dead and walking. Soldiers piled against the stone banisters, corpses strewn across the steps, and cobbles stained in red. Dragons setting fire to everything. I miss my home and my perfume bottles :( Do you like perfume? It makes you smell extra nice and if you were sweaty from your swordfights it'll make you smell charming again. You must never drink perfume, even though it looks like juice. Because you'll die. I'm serious!

\- 3 -  
Found A Shortcut

I GOT EATEN BY A TREASURE BOX! :( It bit me in half, chomped me. I want to cry because even treasure can't be trusted. The good news is I unlocked a door that will allow me to bypass the cranky dragon and his roars and his rudeness.

Tips: unicorns are pleasant company and will let you touch their horn if you whisper them songs, don't ever try and feed them a mushroom though, don't comb their hair! There are also Bearcorns but Bearcorns ... most girls where I come from can slay a Bearcorn on a casual stroll through the forest by the age of 13.

A nice lady in a church gave me a banner, and some advice. She said if I etch something on my heart, blue people will come to slay invading spirits. What does that mean? LOL I don't care.

\- 4 -  
Prison Cell

How to free Greirat the prisoner: he is a good rat man you should let him out. If you find him he will go to Firelink Shrine and begin selling items he stole from bad men who tried to hurt his wife, that's lore. I will help him on his quest, if I'm not too busy slaying demons. Well, there's only so much a girl can do.

\- 5 -  
Vordt of the Boreal Valley

He's kind of cute. He crushed my body with his hooves and broke my will and my bones but so what. I'll be back for you, you blue, vile beast! :D

goodbye


	4. The Undead Settlement (Part 1)

**Chapter 4  
The Undead Settlement (Part 1)**

\- 1 -  
Yoel of Londor

A very weird pair of gargoyles took me to a settlement outside the city. An old bridge used to lead there, only now it's all ruined and fallen. Many screams are coming from within, and the path toward town smells of burning dead.

Is Yoel some kind of creature or a man? Anyway, I can't tell ... but he is a good friend already and knows magic spells. Lothric is a pretty nice place to find friends. Perhaps he will help me get back to my own time one day.

\- 2 -  
The Town

What has happened here? There are corpses piled into the corners of ramshackle homes, drilled with holes and blood-letted, as if ceremonies were performed upon them. 0_0 Sometimes it's gross to think about it!

The town smells like rancid milk spilled in an unclean horsebarn. It is worse than foul. I miss my perfume collection back in the student's quarters in Vinheim. I miss my greatswords most of all :(

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing in this village. Other than look for new friends, there's not much to do, but crushing monsters never gets old. There are strange corpses with tree branches growing out of their heads. What kind of spell happened? I'm terrified of being turned into a tree. Your roots would grow and you wouldn't be able to roll around. It's very hard and scary to be a tree.

\- 3 -  
Corpse Tunnel

I was so terrified when that ball of gooey corpses moved oh my goodness. And then hearing it rattle on the floorboards above after I fell, scraping its corpseclaws all around when I have no Estus left, awful. Someone said you can drink the Estus Soup well I didn't know. But I wish I did.

I also don't like the rat men who skimper scamper in the dark. If I can cut one of their heads off cleanly, I will wipe the blood away and use it as a mask :D

\- 4 -  
Big Rat Fight

Are you kidding? A Giant Rat AGAIN? Didn't I kill enough of these things in the land of ancient lords? What kinds of feelings does a big rat even have? It doesn't matter because they're just filthy and mean.

This town is immense. Why did it turn all dead? It could have been nice before. There's grass that grows, purple flowers, and lots of hidden tunnels and treasure bits. You could even take a bath in the sewer if you wanted. Just kidding ;) you'd die from a rat's disease.

\- 5 -  
Cornyx the Pyromancer

How to free Cornyx the Pyromancer. This is a nice friend to meet who has fire powers but no eyes. He's alright. I won't rate him as highly as the blacksmith.

That's because fire is tricky. You might think it's fun to explode everything you see into tiny crisps, but what happens once you grow bored? Then you try to explode bigger things. And then you might accidentally blow up a sheep's house or a worm farm, you'll regret it. Because you've lost an animal's trust. Now aren't you cruel? If you ever catch a sheep on fire, follow these steps:

1\. Roll the sheep down a hill  
2\. Drip water onto the sheep  
3\. Use scissors fastly  
4\. Talk nicely to the sheep  
5\. Give it a blanket  
Don't panic!

Animal safety is your top priority as a pyromancer. Once you learn how to use flames properly, you can start learning advanced tricks like Fireball and Large Fireball, Hot Sword, Blister Skin, Light a Candle, Meteor Balls, and Joker's Gambit.

I'm still lost in this settlement, but I'm tired and it's time for my Daily Nap Number 3. I'll finish the rest later. Have a great and wonderful day.  
-X


	5. The Undead Settlement (Part 2)

**Chapter 5  
The Undead Settlement (Part 2)  
**

\- 6 -  
Loretta

Finally I decided to warp back to Firelink Shrine and take care of a few errands. Loretta died already but her bone is still okay. Greirat was very sad to hear this news :(

Yoel came to live here and this little wizard pal helped me to remember one of my favorite spells! Shiny sword! It makes my sword glow really blue and beautiful. I'll test it out on a large sword I found in the city, it's called a Claymore? I can't wait to try it! I wonder how many enemies can dodge out of my way? Probably a million times zero.

There is also the sad man on the steps, whose crest has fallen. He talks about creepy things sometimes and makes me ponder. About what? That's private!

\- 7 -  
Death Bridge

Today I found a bridge of death that is hard to cross because of the Pot men throwing Pots. What are they keeping in the Pots; roast corn? Maybe it's the world's best peach cobbler. Shrimp loaf? Keep dreaming, Xasha!

\- 8 -  
Frostbitten

A cold so deep, it freezes your bones. I traveled down a dark hole and found a beast man formed out of steel ice. I also met a cruel, sorrowful man who wore plated armor. He told me to go into a coffin! He's really getting smart, won't he regret it? There was also an onion who says his name is ... Onion Man, I think. He seems to be puzzling out a quandary.

Why in the world am I being shot at by gigantic lance arrows? I want to cry but a warrior cannot produce sad tears, only tears of pain in the heat of battle. It's not okay to drink your tears because they are salty. You'll be poisoned, and you'll need to go and lie down. That's just common sense!

\- 9 -  
Cure-Rotted Greatwood

I keep being killed by this strange bearded tree that got up and started walking around. He's not very mature and I believe he should be ashamed of his choices. I'll come back for him and his weird balls. Promise!

\- 10 -  
Balrog and Sir Onion

Okay, so I killed something but I don't know how to write its name. A Balrak? No, Balmore, or do you spell it Balrag? The Balrag is a stupendous, fiery demon creature that exists deep within the hearts of men. All of us have a Balrag inside us.

The Onion is a talking vegetable man who naps and is friendly. His hat is kind of funny. I want to ask him to take it off, just for a second. It's impolite to inquire about hats. Here are other tips to be social: don't go for a walk in the middle of a conversation. Don't breathe heavy. And try not to goof it up.

\- 11 -  
Sweet Chloranthy Ring

I found a pretty sweet ring that helps me regain stamina. It's very pretty on my finger. It is green and smells like fresh blossoms :)

Don't take stamina too seriously, but here are some tips: never roll in the mud. Don't swing without hitting. Hit as hard as you can, but not all the time. Don't get your sword stuck in a Hydra's head. Watch out for "stamina drain" and "spooky glue" which are pretty common bandit tricks that make you lose energy. Don't roll into a fire. Don't roll while looking. I can't remember any more.

\- 12 -  
A Great Victory!

Told you I'd kill that tree! It wasn't hard, just had to slap its weird ghosty hand a few times, as if it were a thief's paw trying to snatch figs from a baby. I snapped the tree totally in half and drank from its delicious core. Syrup and nectar are on the menu tonight. brb gonna drink some more. See you!


	6. Crucifixion Woods

**Chapter 6  
Crucifixion Woods**

\- 1 -  
Rise of the Crowmen

Hello, everyone! Today we talk about swamps, murder crabs, goblins, birds, and - if we have time - black knight tales and tricks!

I came upon a tricky path full of gross bird people. But they are easy prey to destroy. The fallen crest man told me to come here, was he actually this nuts? This isn't a nice place to be and it's starting to smell a little stranger! I am lost in the woods. But I will cut anything I see. Birds are not friends, not this time.

\- 2 -  
First Swamp Death

The woods are filled with crucified dead, and there are goblins with glowing red eyes, festering in their bog water like bloated fish. I've stepped into a fish bath. Can't wait to see what else I find here.

I don't really like swamps because the mud makes my feet all soppy and my sword keeps getting all slimed. And I don't appreciate the rude antics of the local swampmen either. I promise I won't hurt their crab pets anymore. Unless I am attacked first without reason. I actually don't abide by the wizard's code very often anymore because those codes can get you killed. These are some advanced tips you won't get anywhere else unless you read them here. It's a good thing you like reading, isn't it?

I was puked by a swamp person and they stabbed me through the heart with a sharp pole. I guess he had a bad morning!

\- 3 -  
Crabs

What a horrible place, ew I stepped on a slug. It smells like wet socks and old bananas. I am so scared of the crabs now that I cannot sleep or dream, even my wildest dreams are not a possibility. Not since the crabs.

I don't even know how to describe what happened. We're talking dark invaders, swamp people lunging at me with spikes, several giant enemy crabs, and lesser crabs, the cutest of all enemies. I feel bad to crush them up, thankfully I am never hungry since becoming immortal as a Branded Undead. I would never eat a baby crab unless I was totally starving and had sauce to wash it down.

Got sliced in the throat by a red spirit wielding a curved katana. Unfair you used the crabs to your advantage!

\- 4 -  
Swamp Deaths Number 3 and 4

A horrible terror. A darkly armored man. A Black Knight standing in an old ruined fort. This figure seems so familiar. As if from a dream.

\- 5 -  
Evil Death Witch

Found another old fort at the far end of the swamp. Inside there were many terrible things, like ropy undead who can't handle their tempers. I took revenge on an old foe (twas a red-eyed goblin), and progressed to a strange part of the ruin. Something comes out of the ground ... a pumpkin lady? Turns out she knows a lot about magic crystals! I'll crush the gems right out of her if I need to, I am just crazy about them (I like them more than boys, by a little). The Witch was too busy being mean so she forgot how to fight well and merely flopped around in her dark corner, wigging out in her big hat, while making magic appear (why does the hat seem so familiar?) I slammed her like a puppet and her souls taste like sweet cherries. It was a Great Victory!

Goodbye! Dream well tonight, my friend!

-Xasha


	7. Winter's Ball

**Chapter 7  
Winter's Ball  
**

\- 1 -  
Reanimated Skeletons

Good morning! Or is it nighttime where you are? :D

I decided to revisit the Undead Settlement for a Sewer Vacation. It's a chance to rest in the sewers, happy fun times because you never know what you'll find in a hole this foul! I purchased a unique key from the old handmaiden in Firelink Shrine for a goodly amount of souls. The key opened a gate in the dark tunnels, and I went through to see what was inside.

Oh boy. Turns out that was a bad idea!

The lower level was crammed full of skeletons. Pretty sure they were sleeping down there, the loafs! I enjoy crushing skeletons because they sound like dinner when they snap and break. Deliciously feasting on my precious skelly bones. You can eat bones for power or you can throw them into your bonfire, and sometimes this will grant you a stronger estus juicebox.

Actually … it was okay that I went down into the skeleton sewer because I found a blind woman who was nice to me. Her name is Irina. I told her she can come live at the Shrine, she doesn't have to be alone any longer. She has terrible taste in men, however. Her boyfriend was outside her cell (just waiting there like idle bread) and he was the RUDEST stack of crap! Who cares what his name is.

\- 2 -  
Cathedral Road

With claymore and wand at hand I traversed the winding cliffs and roads leading to the old abandoned cathedral. I had to kill one of those clown women near a bonfire, and then there was an unfair fight against ninjas. I feel bad about killing a hundred dogs (or bad wolfs) who kept coming and kept coming. Come on, I'm trying to avoid fire arrows here!

Growing up I had a dog named Apples. He was very cute, and we loved each other and played, and hid under the bed together … but this tale is sad, because what happened was my father got rid of Apples when he bit him. :( It's really unfair, being raised by a cruel father.

\- 3 -  
Skeletons Are Barfing

This is a putrid path of godless filth. This is worse than the tower bathrooms at the Vinheim Dragon School. And OUR school was cleaned by a mean wizard named Salazar, who loved being lazy, so the state of these ground is unacceptable to say the least. I would compare that wizard janitor to a sloth lying in a weekend bathtub, reading tragic romances!

That's it! A skeleton just literally barfed on me. It retched all over my clothes, which I will promptly burn in a fire. I'm getting the heck out of here.

\- 4 -

BLUE GERBIL!

It was a nightmare come true today. I located another specimen of the reclusive blue gerbil. Upon closer inspection of this creature, I see now that its spikes are indeed crystalline, of several different beautiful hues of blue, and it's actually a lizard and not a gerbil. Silly Xasha! A sparkly critter indeed, cerulean black and white. It is so scary and I am in love with its soul (wishing for a pet lizard someday). Though it was cute as buttons, it still gave me the fight of its life, poor dear, before I was enforced to chop off its head. My adventures also featured slugs.

\- 5 -  
Winter's Ball

If I were back in Vinheim, it would be winter, and the holidays would soon be approaching. I'm done with adventuring until then. Throwing my hat into the dirt as it were.

I'll leave you with a holiday song to give you cheer. We used to watch children singing this carol on the night of the Winter's Ball from our alchemy tower, sipping warm mugs of coffee and peppermint tea we had warmed magically in our hands. My friends and I would watch the falling snow while we drank and laughed together. I wish I were with them now. Have a great holiday, sweet friend!  
-X

WINTER'S BALL  
The Dryads of the Mountain  
Cast Down a Frightful Storm  
And in the Dark of Night  
Found a Hundred Wizards Dancing

A Hundred Wizards Dancing  
In Finery of Silk  
And Blue Color was the Storm's Delight  
Alterations of the Darkest Night

A Hundred Wizards Dancing  
In Finery of Silk  
In the Snow of a Frightful Storm  
The Dryads of the Mountain did See


	8. Cathedral of the Deep

**Chapter 8**  
 **Cathedral of the Deep**

There looks to be a mighty large church on the high hill above the cemetery. I want to go inside. Follow me!

\- 1 -  
Enter the Citadel

When I was a young girl, I would often attend church with my mother. Church was this giant cathedral near the shore, where we spoke to the old gods, and the new. It was a beautiful structure, filled with white flowers, scented ashes of cherry incense, and logs of ashed ravenwood.

But actually this is Lothric's church. To even get inside you must climb on top of the gods-effing roof, and walk across it, while (many) fire arrows come hurtling at you, and masked imp creatures with crude longswords fall on you from the sky (kind of like dangerous piñatas). There are hideous spell-casting clowns and skeletons with polearms. The black ravens of this roof are nipping at corpses, and the air carries the smell of smoldering idols, as though the gods themselves were burning.

They say that in times past, they offered human scarifies to some horrible being deep inside this church. The tributes were to be devoured if you can believe it, and so this church earned a sinister reputation. That's gross, really gross! Whatever this deep thing is, I'm sure to smash it (kind of in a smashing mood right now). Nap time!

\- 2 -  
Nightmare

As I napped on the cathedral's roof, I had a terribly dream. I was running through a cold, dark space when I saw a steel halberd emerge from the total blackness, its metal blade cloaked in flames. It chased me to a small church, where my mother's funeral was being held. I approached her coffin, and when I looked inside, I could see her beautiful face wreathed with roses. And then the shadow of the flaming halberd fell across her face, and drops of blood fell from the flames onto the pale-whiteness of her skin.

Scary :(

\- 3 -  
Falling in Love with Swords

I'm getting better with my new friend, the Claymore. It makes my arms feel good. Very good, very good indeed! With its heft of a battering ram, I can get some good momentum with my spins and slashes. Also, I can make the steel blade glow blue with my shiny sword spell, and it lights the way for me. Sometimes the warm glow makes me feel kind of sleepy.

\- 4 -  
Spiderwolf?

A BIG HAIRY SPIDER WITH WOLF'S HAIR FELL ON ME IN A DUNGEON ROOM. WHAT IS THIS. IS IT TRYING TO EAT ME?! WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, DOG'S FOOD? COME HERE, AND I"LL GRANT YOU THE GIFT OF SQUISHING. If only I could slice off one of its legs and use it as a talisman.

\- 5 -  
Giants Peed on the Floor

I'm starting to delve deeper into this mysterious cathedral. The floor here is covered in green giant's pee (the giants peed on the floor and made it smell bad and hard to walk) but it's not nice to get mad at the giants, because there is no bathroom here big enough for them to use. So they use the church floor instead. But the piss is really hard to walk through, and sometimes you have to roll through it a little. Pretend you are a pig, wallowing in the muck and grime, free of all cares. Pigs probably like doing it so you can learn to like it, too. It just takes practice :) Oh I hate the pee so much. I found a secret shortcut, an elevator which took me away from the pee.

\- 6 -  
A Daring Leap and Rosaria the Demoness

I'm not scared of heights, but why must I share these beams and rafters with the rat babies (plural: yes, there's more than one!)? I fell to my doom so many times. And to top it all, I had another awful dream. In the nightmare I traveled to a city filled with blood-starved beasts, and people talking in an odd, cockney accent. What was its name … Hamworld? Yarn Ram? Can't remember!

When I was screwing around on the rafters I found a secret path which led to my newest best friend. Rosaria is a very nice demon lady. I feel compelled to learn from her, the ways of the blood.

Just kidding! Were you scared? I would have been. I went ahead and agreed to help her with her quest. She needs tongues or something. Relax, this isn't the first time I've entered a pact with a demon :) As if …

She has to deal with some pretty nasty neighbors, Rosaria does. I speak of the burping slug men of course. You can bet they are gonna burp up more slugs from inside their bodies onto my nice clean clothes, which I just got the giant's pee out of.

\- 7 -  
Deacons of the Deep

Yes, it seems even demons go to church on Sundae, and they bring their stupendous swords with them. I tried to make a religion once. Are you so surprised? You were supposed to worship the Great Puppy, Lord Sif, who was Artorias' wolf doggie. It didn't work out too well at all.

Anyway, I stumbled into a _very_ awful party. Where only stupid, meandering deacons are invited. No girls allowed. I, can't stand the super large deacon who stabs and makes a marshmallow cloud appear, and hurls me through the air, it's not really something a religious man should be doing. What a bunch of dithering old fools, with their pious magic. I cut a path right through them.

Except I got cursed doing it. You would think it would be fun to transform into a crystal ball but it actually hurts waaay too much! oW!

\- 8 -  
Zweihander Obtained!

Guess what! Greirat found me a Zweihander. That's a good rat boy. You're a real, true friend, even though I had to sell half of my weapons to get it. This is called an Ultra Greatsword. These can be tricky to use. But sometimes they'll help you win a great victory! This is a fine weapon, you'll love it if you try it. I hope you have a good day.

Let's get straight to the facts: this is a beautiful type of sword and it's just the best. It reminds me of my old friend, the Zweihänder Blade of Ashandra. How good it feels to crush again, and then to crush forever. This is actually a little larger than my old sword, so it'll take awhile to get good at it. I can hardly even swing it with one hand, well tough cookies. I'll get stronger until I can swing it and majorly influence an enemy's death. It's going to be casual from here on out. Well, that's what I hope for, in my heart of hearts. Goodnight everyone, and have a great sleep.

-Xasha


	9. The Darkwraith of Lothric City

**Chapter 9  
The Darkwraith of Lothric City **

Hello. How are you doing? This is Xasha, the woman with dark hair. Lover of cocoa pies and greatswords. Today I revisited Firelink Shrine to speak with the lady from the sewer maze, who I invited to live here. Her choice was to live in the puddle room. Stop asking me if you can be my slave, alright! It's kind of embarrassing and you have literally zero power or energy. Not trying to be mean, actually I've always just been more of a Lone Wolf. She will, however, sell you a miracle. If that's what you fancy.

\- 1 -  
Irina of Carim

It was Bad News when I gave her the book with awful words in it, because then she moaned about something dark, or dark miracles, or bugs (she failed to mention she hates bugs as much as I do). Also really scary dreams (nightmares too) were inside the book. And so what if Blood leaked out of the book and gushed out of its pages (taking zero responsibility for the Blood). Hey, if you're scared of novels, then you shouldn't have asked for one, okay! That's just silly. You made a mistake, but that's okay; we all make mistakes, even me, although mine usually end in a death.

I took revenge on the stair man outside the shrine's walls while I was out walking. The one who holds his kind-of-cool katana. Shot a few magic missiles at him from afar, then landed a fatal blow with the killing end of my Claymore. Feels good to be on the up-and-up! Time to level up and devour a few more soul clouds.

\- 2 -  
Climbing Firelink Tower

It was quite a joy of a view on top of firelink tower, once I made it to the top. I curled up inside the belfry and took a long nap, and everything was going just great until a mole-faced person named Patches the Hyyabo trapped me in a room when I was just trying to explore the whole place. I guess he'll have to handle it from here. Everyone give the Hyyabo a round of applause. The lords and the fires and the curses are up to him now. Let's see if he can even handle one slug enemy. You won't win even that, mole!

I escaped the bell tower with some tactical rolling. And then I came upon a crow nesting at the peak of my new home - her name is Sparkly the Crow and she loves to be nice. Feeding her lots of treats is the right thing to do, if you get the chance. You'll be rewarded with presents! :D That's fun! Pum pa rum parum pa rum … She speaks to me in her strange tone-of-voice. Can be believe that? I told the crow she doesn't have to speak Lordish to impress me. She can squawk around or whatever she pleases. I told her this, and then she offered me a dry bone! thanks!Q

\- 3 -  
The Darkwraith

The shrine is more crowded than it ever was. A lot of people thanked me for rescuing them, and held a party in my honor near the bonfire, where we shared coffee and scones; but then sly words were sung and a lot of people got cut up with swords, so it ended badly.

Beneath the highest throne I met a man who avoided our party. He who calls himself Leonhard the Ringfinder. Well that's a pretty great name. I bet he's never killed a blue gerbil before, I mean a blue lizard. Probably doesn't even have as many rings as me, har! He gave me the key to a rare red eye orb, but I had to travel all the way through the undead city to find it. It was resting beyond a locked gate, not far from where Greirat had been imprisoned. A service elevator brought me down to a cold dungeon. And then I came upon the first Darkwraith.

If you're scared right now, don't worry about it. Just close your eyes and think about pets, go on. Pretend you are swimming in the deepest sea, a fish that can breathe and see through the gloom, and you drift right to the bottom of the sea and take a nap in the kelp, whatever they do.

I bet you were so relaxed you forgot you were in Lothric. Wasn't it so nice?

If you slice a Darkwraith in its throat you just might cut its head off. That's where their armor has decayed the most from its abyssal taint. My mother taught me all about Darkwraiths and their weaknesses. That's how I know.

The Darkwraith was quicker than I ever would have believed! It was a fine swordsbeast, but it went down after a dazzling fight (magic always WINS). Next time, I'll be sure to bring a friend or two. Did you know you can summon friends into your world to help fight the demons? You can't be a Lone Wolf all the time! Unless you are an Actual Wolf and you can feed yourself on cold nights.

-Signed, Your Friend  
Xasha


	10. Farron Keep

**Chapter 10  
Farron Keep **

When I killed the darkwraith and obtained the Red Orb in Lothric City, I heard a calling from deep within the crucifixion woods. An abyssal howling drew me in, so I went back into the Putrid Pusshole Swamp of Crabs and Poison and Awful Crap. But more secrets were to be revealed within the forest.

Most importantly of all, a new sorcerer to meet. From Vinheim of all places! Has he traveled through time like me, do you think? He can teach me new magic spells - I guess that means we're friends. That's good! But before I could ask him to teach me a spell or two, he evaporated away from his desk (I think he boned out) in a cloud of souls like a jerk would.

\- 1 -  
Revenge of the Crabs

I will kill as many Crabs as I please. I planned to kill all the wicked father and mother Crabs and become the Queen of Crabs, and become an adoption mother for all the baby ones, but I ended up pulling a lot of evil spirits instead along with their red watchdogs, black cloak-wearers with swords, Slugs, and surprise crabclaw attacks. The swamp life of course is not for me. If you love stagnant water and fish and rude pole men, and if you'd like to be a claw goblin, then you should come live here. Maybe the goblins will be your new neighbors and give you Swamp Advice. Is it such a strange thing to hope for? Xasha wishes you well in your new swamp home, but don't be a rude pole man! You'll lose status faster than you think.

\- 2 -  
1st Flame

Have you ever left the most terrible swamp of your whole life, only to find a swamp that smells even worse? That's what happened to me today. Now what if the second swamp you found was really large and filled with magic monsters and the largest, fattest Slugs, and scary things with goat brains? Bloated frogs too, what!?

My boots are caked with mud that stinks like old rotten bananas. It's mostly just brown and purple water, like a toilet overflowed and it became the land. Underwear smells better. Did the water get gross because of the Slugs? What did the Slugs do, did they make a poop? I'm not sure about the habits of Slugs but I know they are putrid like, all the time, and everywhere. So it's probably their fault.

I'm searching for three flames. That's what Hawkwood told me to do. I found the first one by accident. Joy!

\- 3 -  
2nd Flame

My favorite way to fight is with my claymore in one hand, and a spell -casting wand in the other. I have pretty good dodging skills too. I sleep next to my claymore every night, so it's always within arm's reach. Over the days we've bonded and I love the sword like a person, even though it's just a hilt attached to a piece of steel, made up of countless miniature crystals. You're pretty great, and don't ever change! It's good to have a friend in a bog like this, now that I've really fallen into the mucky grossness of nature. This place, the outskirts of Farron Keep, seems to have fallen into ruin, like a sinkhole of magic (makes me feel like Princess Dusk of Oolacil, about to fall in).

Two flames down. I actually think I can do it!

\- 4 -  
3rd Flame

I can't even roll in the 'effing muck so I'll just kill Slugs. I'll kill a casual one hundred or if I change my mind, none at all. Or kill all the Slugs forever. (I am not going crazy!) And even if it makes me feel sort of sad and gross, I have to do it anyway. Because they block the LADDER. Will I ever be allowed to leave? The ladder didn't even go anywhere useful. Just a big whopping dead end was all that was up there (and perhaps a howling demon, but I was too frightened to see).

The wizard bears with the brooms make awful skull faces come out of their bristles, it's pretty scary. Are they trying to clean the tower in the center of this swamp? How would they even climb the ladder, and do bears even know how to clean? I don't understand.

Third flame's lit! It opened a huge stone door at the end of the swamp. I'll make a fast run for it.

\- 5 -  
Farron's Keep and the Golden Scroll

Past the stone door was a small valley filled with more of those vile birds. It took some tricky pacing, but I actually found a Golden Scroll tucked inside a cave. I snatched it and took a fast warp to the shrine.

It turns out Orbeck really is from Vinheim. He's just from a different time period than I am. He's heard of Logan, my old master, but he has no idea where he's gone. And he can't teach me about crystal enchantments yet. He's also kind of sarcastic and not so handsome (would not date)!

He helped me to remember some of my old magic spells, like Mend-a-Weapon and Yellow Beacon, to name a few (glad I took that course in Oolacillan Magic). They should prove useful on the path ahead. There will be more birds to slay on the way to Farron Keep, I figured, and darkwraiths too, and I guess I should mention the bloat toads. Bloat toads can curse you with their gas I hate them. THey're not too friendly, so I'll swipe them out. Getting cursed is bad - you'll have bad dreams every night, and it will diminish your vitality. Orbbecks is lucky I gave him that Golden Scroll. I almost kept it for myself because it's pretty neat to look at. It has gilded pages!

I do want Orbbecks to stay around, though. Maybe I'll find more scrolls, and together we can hone my magical powers. I would like five blue orbs floating over my face. That's a classic spell!

\- 6 -  
Watchers of the Abyss

When I was a little girl my mother used to say, "Sweet child, you must eat your apples and slay your darkwraiths, you will grow strong and wise." What are the darkwraiths mother? "My child, you know not what you speak. Eat your apples and go to sleep, and try not to fidget. Worry not on what dwells in the deepest layers of the abyss."

I am not scared of the darkness but I've heard that cats can be if you leave them in a room all alone, so I do have Cat Empathy.

I found a nice dress, tried it on, then died while wearing it (got cut to ribbons). I also received many souls for crushing beasts. A good day, but I have to ask ... where are all the apples in Lothric forest? Have the scary creatures eaten them all, or did they die from worms? I wonder if I could eat a worm. Sure, if I was curious, but it would be hard because of their dirt smell and how they walk (no feet at all whatsoever!).

I seem to have wandered into a pit of abyssal demons with greatswords. These are NOT FRIENDS, although sometimes the red eye friend comes to help. When the red eye friend comes, slash him too because he's NOT A GOOD PAL. He will slash you too and then he'll slash you. Because his heart is dark and wretched. As cold as the abyss from whence he came. Pathetic (they're actually really hard to kill though)!

\- 7 -  
Bath

I fought many times against the lordless men of the abyss, who in death have found a way to live eternal, through their duty of Abyss Watching. We've all heard the tale of the legendary Abyss Walker Artorias, who was corrupted by the calamity of lost Oolacile (I usually did pretty good in history class).

I took a day off and went to soak in the ludex birdbath. I like to pretend I am a wallowing fish sometimes. We all do it. Yes, this will clean the burns all right. I prefer hot baths but this isn't so terrible. Bath time is also snooze time, but dream time is only about 50% of sleep time. Good bye, I'll get those demons yet!

\- 8 -  
Farron's Undead Legion

THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE. They keep coming, until they kill each other and the man with the fire sword comes and sucks up all their blood through the air (you win the award for being the strangest man). I may never win against the undead legion. I just want to stop getting fire slashed, and slashed and hit and set on fire and killed again.

Dodge from the whirling flame sword, get up, swing sword swing sword swipe them, roll, roll again, roll AGAIN, roll a forth time to avoid the thrusting magma sword coming at my face. Thrust the claymore straight forward, wind up for a follow-up slash, get hit from an upward cut and thrown into the air. Roll to avoid a heavy downward smash, circle around the cloud of dust and scorched stone and run away while healing with an estus juicebox, get chased by fire, escape fire wall escape fire wall escape fire wall, swipe sword, get thrown backwards into shattering pots, chainmail is smoldering, get up Xasha!  
LORD OF CINDER FALLEN

\- 9 -  
Firelink Friends

Yes! Abyss Watchers have taken the great nap! Also known as being dead forever! O:)

And that's how I killed my first Crispy Lord (three more to go if you're wondering).

I needed a rest after all that fighting, so I spent some time with my friends in Firelink Shrine. I'm really popular here because of my adventures and for killing the first Crispy Lord, but I won't let it get to my head.

I'm not happy about the armored man and his casual attitude (the one with the dog helmet). Why don't you go and fry a fish somewhere? Why don't you go and find another home, instead of coming here and making me yell? Last time you told me to go into a coffin and it hurt my feelings. He forgot he said that and denied saying it, but I wrote it in my journal, so it must be true.

We threw another party to celebrate me never having to go into the swamp again. Ludleth of Courland decorated and threw some prism stones from his chair, and Yoel made a strange little speech. A few people got rowdy. Everything was okay until Orbbecks got drunk and dropped all of his cake into the bonfire. The flames turned strange colors and wouldn't let us warp anywhere for most of the day. We were all pretty grumpy after that.

-Xasha


	11. Mausoleums and Tombs

**Chapter 11  
Mausoleums and Tombs**

I wish you were here to see the state of things! I've been adventuring inside a dusty tomb all morning, and I have lots to tell you. The good news is there are lots of skeletons to crush down here. I've been crushing bones for hours and it hasn't stopped being fun. There are bad things down here, too. Worst of all, a gooey cat-toy ball of limbs and a gas man.

\- 1 -  
Catacombs of Carthus

To get here you must find the secret staircase around where you fight the undead legion. The entrance is covered by a shrine that moves in a spooky way. Would you want to live here with the skeletons and shrines that move backwards? Heck no. It's strange as all get out.

Sometimes the skelleys try to dress up like a human. You lazy bones, you can wear a cloak or a polite hat but you're still a skell to me and my friend (the reader of this journal). You'll always know it in your heart of hearts, skellboi.

Some skeletons try to blast you with dark, fuzzy balls of gas. They hurt :(

It's great sport to crush skeletons down to their base materials. Other things I like to do for fun: Go Shopping. Food Eating. Pretending I Can Swim. Dueling Swords, Singing about Swords, and Swordcraft. Drafting Poems About Swords And How To Find Them. Unicorns. Hanging Out with Friends.

\- 2 -  
The Skeleton Reunion

Some skeletons like to pretend they are wheels. Do not fall for their tricks.

Bats are fairly common in dungeons such as these, but I haven't seen any. You may also find mutant ghouls and snakes. Bugs? Yes, buddy! I'm sure you can handle them if you're brave. Avoid smashing the pots at all costs; they explode spookily to send gas at you.

Did you know that some skeletons can cast magic? It's true. I saw one disappear through the ceiling. Yeah I'm not okay with that. Not a good feeling, when a skellboi or girl plays a jest on you.

An army of skeletons chased me across an old bridge. I knocked the whole thing down by cutting the rope with my Claymore and those shambling fools couldn't get me. Ha I'll kill exactly a hundred. Their bones will become my bones.

\- 3 -  
Spooky Gas

The lord of the skells came out of the darkness when I touched his enchanted goblet. He likes spooking girls, won't he regret it? He can fart gas out of his chest. I tried to breathe the fumes in - it was a terrible mistake (died after). The gas is too scary. I'm going to try somewhere else. Sorry!

\- 4 -  
Yoel's Dead  
He Died and Somebody Murdered Him

Brace yourself for this news. Yoel was killed near the puddle of water he used to slurp and wallow in. Who would want to hurt Yoel? He was only a little strange and only smelled a little bit like bad fish but it wasn't his fault, and it's not a good reason to murder. I asked around the shrine, but no one knows what happened to him. Could it have been the egregious Hyaabo mole man? Was it the Ringfinder? Or perhaps it was the crested fellow, Hawkwood? I killed all his brothers in the legion, so maybe this was an act of revenge.

To test him, I asked Hawkwood to take care of Yoel's little body. The truth is, I am just too heartbroken to deal with it, and no one else leaves their spot but him (except Greirat; but I would not place this burden on a friend).

\- 5 -  
Secret Ladder Path

In the deepest tunnels of the Carthus Catacombs there's a fiery Balrag and he's none-too-pleased about the skells hitting him over and over like he's the worst bone out of the pack. The Balrag is a dangerous foe but don't the skells know? You're not gonna win against a raging fire demon. You can do other things like make jawbones for toys and jump rope (easy for skells because they can fly through the air) and do tricks with gas, and all the other things a skeleton is capable of.

Past the Balrag was a scalding, subterranean lake. I made a mental note to check on it later.

\- 6 -  
High Lord Wolnir

With the might of my strength and spells I vanquished the Lord of Bones back to the abyss from whence he came. It's easy, just crush his shining bracelets! Jewelry on a skeleton is something you don't see a lot because the skells have no fashion sense, no thoughts of self and they should be ashamed of themselves. They don't smell good or taste good. Believe me, I've eaten a bone before. You're happy about it at first, and then you regret it later.

Bye.

\- Your Friend, Xasha


	12. A Tale of Ice and Fire

**Chapter 12  
A Tale of Ice and Fire**

Thanks for reading! There are new worlds to explore, and lots to discuss. Want to come with? I wish to take you to the dead city of Irithyll, a town beset with foul, skeletal fiends, and then to a subterranean lake with hidden depths. To make matters even harder, I had to say goodbye to a friend, who died a hollow's death. I will share his story.  
Please listen.

\- 1 -  
[Snow Land]  
Irithyll of the Boreal Valley

This cold befouls the spirit. The buildings are pretty nice, but there's nothing for it. Every time I am attacked by tall ghostskells with crowns (a royal skell / a common skell / and shadowy, emaciated beings who are subservient to the skellytons) SNEEZE I think I have a cold. I'm sick :( I'm not going in to battle today.

When I'm feeling better, I'll go visit that lake from before, and warm up. I'm exhausted from fighting the alligator poodle dog on the bridge, and from waging a magical war (Her Fire Streams vs My Blue Glow Orbs) against a new foe - a silver-armored witch with a flaming halberd. I wish I knew how to cast fire spells (what dark secrets do you have?). I have very bad memories of fire, from my past. My father was wont to cast pyromantic spells of an evening. He was feared in most places, until his banishment from the realm of Vinheim.

\- 2 -  
[Land Of Fire]  
The Smouldering Lake

The Hot Lake is Lothric's most popular attraction. Look at all the arrows and whorms it has. Well, Hot Lake, I have news for you, and it's pretty bad. You have Crabs, too. You've got giant Crabs running around your shallows. Are you ashamed? I'm just going to sneak past your Crabs okay.

The elephant in the room is the giant Whorm in the corner, who shoots - are you ready - Lighting Sun Rays of Ultradeath Explosion. I run away from the Whorm and I get far away, and then I find a secret passage of underground tunnels. This is thanks to the Legion of Large Arrows being rude and insistent. I am really mad and frustrated at the arrows. Anyway, who has time to be upset :D By the way, you can never have too many friends. That's just a nice way of saying it's okay to be social!

I'd like to be friends with Anri the Knight, except he's not very good at fighting at all, and he's bad at it (kind of embarrassed for him). He saw me fighting a dozen skells on a skinny cave ledge and didn't lift a -single- finger to help. That is terrible warrior etiquette! He gave me a ring and said he was sorry. I had to tell him that I smashed Horace, his best friend, to death in the Hot Lake.

Horace lost his mind to the undead curse. It could happen to any of us, at any time. For Horace, it happened in a steambath cave. Anri was brave in the end, and said we would meet in Irithyll City next. Guess I'll go back there now.

\- 3 -  
[Icicle Side  
or  
Bears On Holiday]  
Napping Is Sweet

First thing I did was take a nap! Easy when you're so freezing cold you drift in and out of consciousness really fast (don't do it, reader … this will kill you unless you're undead, like me I'm an undead sorceress with time travel potential). Naps are nice, even in winter. Your body regenerates while you sleep, so get as many hours as you can (I recommend 13-19 hours per day).

I dreamt of a man in a red cloak, who was trying to get me. I -hate- bad dreams. The worst nightmare I ever had was when I was a snail with no arms. I couldn't swing a wand or eat cupcakes anymore. And then I got stuck in a rubbish bin. For like, a thousand hours.

After a thorough explore, I did meet Anri in Irythill. I found him in a strange church filled with silent statues, and a precious bonfire, too. Anri gave me some advice about, 'the little children' ...? What, sir? Is he hollowing out all over the place, like his bff Horace :(

Hi I'm going to warp back to the lake for a little while. It's too cold in this church :D

\- 4 -  
[Lava Side]  
The Fires of Lost Izalith

A voice called out to me when I took a side trip to Cathedral Road, for some fresh air and breakfast omelets (a good place to farm Crystal Lizard Eggs, by the way). /Xasha creates a reminder note to give you the recipe one day/ It was Onion Man, believe it or not; stuck down a well, the ridiculous knave. He sent me on a quest to retrieve his stack of armor from that vile thief, Patches the Hyaabo. The Mole of Disrepute will pay one day, and I mean dearly! It was a lot of souls to buy the armor back, but I was happy to afford it for you, Sir Onions. Friends help each other all the time (remember when you helped your friendly gal Xasha to take down the Balrag together, Mister Onions?). Catch up with me later if you wish, and bring your funny-looking helmet, too.

Spent the rest of the day in the fiery catacombs beneath the lake. Smells pretty bad down there, like sulfur and terror dreams. In other words, not a nice maze with pie at the end. At the end there is a lake of lava, and a hollowed man with a fume sword. He was a gesturing spirit. I think he said he got the sword from a lost knight named … Rainy Traitors.

\- 5 -  
[Slippy Side]  
Icy Moat

This is a cold land, and so dead. It's bad luck to even think about harming a tree (especially the precious sapling) but I've been thinking about enflaming trees just to warm up a spell, now that I've reached the moats. When I killed the tree with the old white balls in the undead settlement, that didn't count not one BIT, because the giant tree was trying to roll me to the ground and grab me with its ghostly hand (shame on me but I did taste the hand a bit). I really hate the tree hand. And if I ever find another, I'll do the same thing again promise!

Sorry for my bad language. This is what the cold does to me. Now I must wade through frigid waters, where spider squids rise from murk-white waters. It is horrible for me. The creatures remind me of my mother, who drowned in the moat of the castle, the night before Spirit's Eve. WHAT, ESTUS SOUP? I drink it right away and finish the whole bowl today. Whoever left it cooking here for me, thank you. It's way too delicious! I'm happy now. Goodnight, everyone!

\- 6 -  
[Brimstony Path Side]  
Fireballs, Goat Boys, and The King of Demons

The King of Demons is a large crydad with a head full of crappy rocks, actually a head made of rocks, like literally. He's a tempered dummy who threw up LAVA ON ME. All over my nice, clean armor, which I just washed in the ludex bathyard.

I cannot fight the demons anymore because it's too hot. I still need to meet up with Sir Onions (hard to keep track of all these friends!). I miss his hilarious hat and winning attitude. I wonder if he would go on a date or let me borrow his onion. I would trade my rat face hood for a try. We have things in common.

\- 7 -  
[Winter Side]  
Frozen Frostdogs,  
and Getting Drunk with Sir Onions

Well it just goes to snow, you never can have too much fun in a powdery white magical winter. Sir Onions and I threw a party in the kitchen room near the moat, and toasted our hearts to the warmth of our fire, as though it were the sun itself. When I get drunk with sword in hand, watch it! I'm bound to get active and slice a chair or gargoyle in half, or test a person's armor. I get a little wild with my magic, too. I cast spells now and I regret them in the morning.

Sir Onions and I had a great time together. But in the end, we must needs part ways. We who are cursed by Sif, the Lone Warriors of Nighttime.

Oh also Frostdogs are -not- nice pets. They bark and bite, chase me down the city steps, and chew me. I don't like to harm a pup but these hounds are starting trouble. Bad pups, you chewed all over my shoe! I'm getting cold again, so let's go slay fire demons. I'll write you once I'm there.

\- 8 -  
[Summer Side]  
Old Demon King

Wow! This is how it's done. Slash the horned demon, and kick him in his crydad face, and double slash away. Charged whirling upperslash, then a downward blow. Dodge and crush, crush, and dodge! Send in the sorcery! Do it perfectly and you will succeed.

The demons can try and burn me all they want, but their flames are dismal compared to the traumas of my childhood. Sorry for getting historic.

\- 9 -  
[Hot Cocoa Side]  
Hyperborean Church,  
Illustrious and Frozen

Midway through Irithyll there is a church with an insidious, demonic priest inside, who wields two swords of magic. I fear I cannot best him. His name is … hard to remember. Ponderoso, or something.

You may have heard of the skell lords who wield scythes. As WEAPONS. What are you cutting there, grass, you bonehead? In winter of all times!? You skell I'll cut you down, you're no one's friend. Go back to skeleton school or learn how to farm for jawbones and sandwiches, unless you'd like to stop trying to hit me with swords. Then we can be friends of course :)

\- 10 -  
[Fruit Ice Slushy Side]  
Giant Crydad Machinery

I found the giant arrow machine high above the lake, hidden like a fool's choice. It's not really a big deal but I just saved everyone from this crude monstrous weapon. I turned the lever and it's stupid now, can't fire arrows, or be useful. Now I can slay some Crabs without having to worry about it, great!

\- 11 -  
[Frozen Side]  
Impossible Fight

Try getting impaled through the chest with a halberd's red hot tip, then thrown, then slashed with an ice sword. Or killed with a raging fire sword, oh nope it's the magic, pulsating energy sword, how could I not know? You're pretty good for a skell, Ponderoso. Now ... sometimes, you are burned to death with magical energy. Or blown-to-absolute-pieces. But what keeps me going is my endless desire for the crystal enchantment …

It is great to be alive. I have friends in Lothric now, though some of them have already died. Starting to get used to that.

\- 12 -  
[Moana Side]  
Enkindled Crabs

Hello this is Crab killing time, I mean this is Xasha Darkhair ready to kill Crabs? I'll kill as many as I please as a matter of fact because of their destruction and manners towards the smaller, lesser crabs. I guess that's why the baby crabs are not around anymore, not a single crab baby in the whole steaming Hot Lake. Lol let's kill all the giant Crabs today, and get rid of them straight away.

To be truthful, I feel bad about making fun of HL and her Crab infestation. So I decided to thin the heard out a bit, as a gesture of kindness. It's also a good excuse for sword practice (impossible to miss hitting a Crab this big [size of a stable] - so yeah, good practice). Which is kind of like, the best kind of practice because you can crush stuff, do dances with your weapon, even sleep with the blade beneath your covers, don't be embarrassed it's good to marry your sword. I am married to eight different swords and I love each of them the most.

More on sword marriage: to love a sword is to swing it until it can no longer slay. Wipe the sin and blood from your sword every night and be nice to it. Hug the sword. Don't be mean to your swords, don't ever toss them into the moat or let a fool touch their handle. Sometimes it's okay to swing two swords at once, but you are bound to start a dangerous love triangle. Hi, defeat all the enemies you can. And you will be good towards your swords.

Most of my married blades are back in Lordran, hidden safely within a cave, close to the cliffs of Drake Valley. I miss them, just as much as I miss my home. I hope one day I can go back and see all my friends again. I'll be adding two new swords to the collection: Lady Claymore and Blue Zweihander. My truest friends, who have helped me through this troubled era (as have you, dear reader). But we don't love the little pokey stick right? Nope and neither does anyone. No way I'll marry it. Get a life! Jk. I love you too pokey.

Ahhh! Oh nuts, the Crabs are out of control and not as easy to clear as I thought. I got crab trauma'd to the head. One of them bubbled me harder than I've ever been. My chain of Crab Combos was broken just like that. I cry everytime this happens. It is the hardest way to die, to be fooled and bubbled by a Crab. You're not getting away with it, crabby! You smell like a saltine cracker. You're the ugliest, worse than that fucking Ugly Face Fish. I hate you, I HATE YOU, omg sorry for swearing!

\- 13 -  
[Frosty Side]  
Beyond Pontiff Sulyvahn  
(Formerly Known as Sword Slasher Ponderoso)

By the gods, this freaking jerk. Go away, you are old and never bathe, so how can you move this fast, like wind? I can smell your moldy robes from the farthest bonfire, that's pretty bad. Go back to Pontiff school (I'm mad at him).

Some tips for handling animals and pets for you and yours: Don't give a critter a golden coin, even if it's pretty, because the pet may spurn you, they have no understanding or need of our monetary values. Easy there, jack, you have no right to judge their wonts. I thought my Crow Friend at Firelink Shrine would like a shiny coin, so I dropped one in her nest (this is a true story). She got Real Mad and even though I made this one terrible error, we're still friends (I fell off the roof in shame and then died and then resurrected and jumped off a cliff in shame [and died]). When you make an animal sad, it's you who looks bad.

In the end I did destroy the Pontiff utterly. Nowhere else to go but up, to the upper wards of Irithyll. There are priests up there trying to warm me up with their lame-mule fire tricks. The fireworks wake the giants in the plaza, making them grumpy and sending them into a stomping rage. I dash like the wind past the giants and then I dash higher, where the red phantoms and silver knights teamed up on me. Heights aren't bad if you pretend you are a bird with wings (or are a bird with wings). Happily chirping away like a songbird in flight; just imagine how happy and free a sparrow feels. Just don't forget your earthly limitations. I've made that mistake before. It ended in a death. Happened twice before. Wish I could fly because it would make this level a bit more fun. Now you know one of my favorite secrets.

The bad, silent silver knights in shining armor can hit a fruit or vegetable from a dozen distances with their greatbows. Such is the force of their strength and their fortitude, they can knock you off a dozen different ways! You can't make a mistake here, as you traverse the icy arches and freezing rooftops.

Anor Londo …? The name sounds familiar.

I'll need to explore this world another day. I don't think this was the path Sir Onions took. I'm wondering if he went down that path by the moat, where screams and foul stenches and green lights were coming from …

\- 14 -  
[Back at Firelink Shrine]

I made out like a bandit from plundering the lost city and the smarmy lake. The riches were so grand that I bade Greirat to seek it out next. There were a couple shiny glowballs I couldn't get to.

When Orbecks the wizard translates my new scrolls, a plethora of spells becomes available for purchase ... but do you know what? Some of these sorceries were left behind by my old teacher, Master Logan, of the Big Hat. This is a stroke of good mastery. It means I am closer than ever to finding my crystal enchantment. The spell wasn't in the scroll this time, but it did remind me how to cast Five Ball Sparkler and Soul Vortex - two of my favorites!

I'll write to you again!  
-Xasha


End file.
